Reasons why students are absent from school

I have had some crazy excuses from my students as to why they were absent from school, but these are hilarious!
"Absent Without Leave"
1. Dear School: Pleas exkuse John for being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.
2. Chris have an acre in his side.
3 . Mary could not come to school because she was bother by very close veins
4. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
5. I kape Billie home because she had to Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she wear.
6. John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
7. My son is under the doctor's care and could not take fizacal ed. Please execute him.
8. Lillie was absent from school yesterday as she had a gang over.
9. Please excuse Blanch from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
10. Please excuse Joyce from jim today. She is administrating.
11. Please excuse Joey Friday, he had loose vowels.
12. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football, he was hurt in the growing place.
13. My daughter wouldn't come to school yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with some Marines.
14. Please excuse Sandra from being absent yesterday, she was in bed with gramps. (cramps)
15. Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour trout. (sore throat)
16. Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday because he had the fuel. (flu)
17. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
18. Maryann was absent Dec 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
19. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
20. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
21. Please excuse Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. he was home sick from an operation. He had boy trouble and had to be serpent sized.
22. The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be evaporated.
23. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah, diahoah, dyah, you know the craps.